House Nose
by Jensen Jones
Summary: Something about House is distracting his team from their diagnosis. What could it be?


The team sat waiting for House to arrive, so they could start the diagnosis.

Finally the door swung open and, at first glance, House appeared much the same as he always did – hair tousled, limping, cane in hand. "You guys start without me? What'd I miss?" he said sarcastically, looking around in feigned panic, knowing that they never started before he entered the room. "Hmmm?" He stared coldly at his team.

Taub, Kutner and Thirteen stared back speechless. There was a giant booger hanging out House's nose. All three experienced doctors were totally taken aback by this unforseen circumstance. They didn't know what to do.

"Seems not. Maybe I'm just in time as usual!" The booger wobbled as House spoke. Kutner looked as though he'd seen a ghost. He went as pale as a sheet. Taub coughed nervously, politely. Thirteen froze on the spot.

House limped to the whiteboard. While his back was turned, Thirteen whispered to the others. "What do we do?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, "Taub replied, determined to ignore the situation. Kutner panicked and said, "I'm going to the bathroom!"

"No." House turned around, and once again they were confronted by the glistening greenish booger hanging out of his left nostril. "It's not bath time Kutner, it's diagnosis time!" he told them, completely unaware of his mucosal secretionand the fact that it was currently drawing all of the attention.

"I diagnose a lack of neurological activity," House said. They stared blankly. "In this room, I mean. Compared to you guys our patient is a genius… comatose genius…but…" House waited for his team to say something. The booger waved back and forth with each breath, glistening an off green colour.

Taub took a breath and began. "It's right in front of us. Maybe we're being distracted by the booger… I mean broader symptoms." He took a deep breath and tried again. "I mean what if the cause is actually nasal… I mean natural, I mean it'snot like we've never seen…"

"Excuse me," Thirteen interrupted, rolling her eyes at Taub, "House," she tapped her nose.

"What is it?" he stage whispered, not getting the message.

"Could I see you in private?" Thirteen asked then.

"Let me think.'" House look a deep breath through the nose. Miraculously the booger disappeared. His team visibly relaxed with relief. But then he breathed out, and it reappeared, quivering at the edge of his nostril, even bigger that before. "Maybe later when I change into something more comfortable."

"I'm sorry, House, do you have any tissues?" Thirteen asked.

"Good thinking, we'll need those." House quipped. "Could get messy."

"I have to go!" Kutner rushed out the door, anable to stand it any longer.

"What's his problem?" House asked.

Thirteen and Taub said nothing.

…

Wilson looked up in annoyance at the urgent knocking on his door. "Come in!"

Kutner walked in. "Wilson," he panted. "I need help! It's House."

Wilson rose to his feet, a sinking feeling in his stomach. It was what he always dreaded hearing. "What's happened? Is it his leg? Did he overdose? Is he conscious?"

"He…" Kutner tried to catch his breath, "he has… a booger… "

"A what?" Wilson stopped in his tracks at the doorway.

"A giant booger… hanging out his nose. What do we do? I can't tell him, he'll fire me! Taub's gonna let it slip soon. He's a goner. Either that or Thirteen… she's getting in big trouble trying to be subtle… Wilson, please, can you tell him for us? He can't fire you!"

Wilson collapsed against the doorway in hysterical laughter in his relief. Once he calmed down, he walked resolutely back to his desk and sat down. "Me? Tell him? Not a chance!" He grinned.

"What kind of a friend are you?" Kutner demanded.

"I'm his _only_ friend. Means I can treat him however I like. And this is payback time." Wilson replied seriously before collapsing into laughter again. "What I'd like to know is, what kind of a team are you guys?"

"A team who cares about our jobs at this hospital," Kutner insisted. "And a team who cares about our patient. If we can't get through the diagnosis our patient could die! Ddon't you care about that Wilson?"

Wilson sighed. "Look, I'm sorry this is tough for you, but it's these kind of challenges that will…" Wilson started giggling, "that will… make you a better doctor, Kutner! Sorry. The answer is no."

"Fine," Kutner replied. "You leave me no choice. I'll have to go to Cuddy."

…

House was still persevering with the differential, to no success when Kutner slipped back in. The team couldn't come up with any likely diagnoses at all. House was on the verge of threatening to fire all three of them. The only new suggestion he'd managed to get out of them was 'mucosal secretions'. "Mucosal secretions?" House asked incredulous, confused, and getting angry. "What the…"

At that moment the door opened and they all looked round. It was Dr Cuddy, immaculately dressed as always, today in an embroidered red blouse and dark grey jacket. Her matching skirt featured a side split that showed off her stunning long legs clad in red heels. She strode confidently into the room towards were House was sitting.

"What have I done?" House asked, looking up at her, the large green booger wobbling perilously at his nostril's edge. "Or what haven't I done? Is this about clinic du…"

Smiling Cuddy reached inside her red blouse, inside her bra.

House's eyes widened.

She plucked out a handkerchief from her bra and held it to House's nose. "Blow," she instructed as you would to an infant.

House did as he was told. Cuddy managed to capture the offensive secretion in the tissue, wiping his nose efficiently. She then folded the handkerchief neatly and replaced it from whence it came. "That's much better," she said satisfied. She turned to leave.

"Wait!" House got up as quickly as he could and reached out to stop her from leaving. "This is the way you treat me now? What am I to you? A surrogate child? What about…" She turned back towards him at the same moment he reached out and his hand accidentally ended up on one of her breasts, only half concealed in her red blouse. She removed his hand gently but firmly and said, "Watch it House. I draw the line at breastfeeding you. Besides, you have your own children to look after. I hope they won't be interrupting me again today." She glanced at them and they shook their heads firmly. With that she strode out of the room, leaving House as speechless as his team.

Again the door opened and they looked around. It was Wilson. He took one look at House, said "Damn!" and left, shaking his head in disappointment.


End file.
